Frankie finally went back to "school" last week. The actual task of getting us out of the house is .. Well a task. I have to get Frankie up and ready to go and then get Jacob ready too. He has to nurse and then I change him and off we go. It takes forever. Getting out of the house was hard enough with just Frankie. Now let's add Jacob to that equation and it sounds impossible. But totally do-able . I ask myself , how does everyone else do it? How did my mom do it? She was alone most of the time, and she had to get 4 kids ready, plus herself. I don't recall my mom being frumpy.
I, on the other hand, haven't gotten a pedicure in weeks, cut my hair, but don't have time to style it and am lucky if I have time to shower in the morning.
Morning are crazy around here. I come back from dropping Frankie off and the house is a mess. The kitchen is crazy and the living room looks like a tornado hit. Toys on the floor, jakes bassinet, jakes swing, the Boppy over there, blankets and the diaper bag (which is doubling as my purse for the time being), the sollybaby wrap on the couch. Just a total mess.
There's laundry to be done. And really, it's never ending. Jacob goes through 3 outfit changes a day.
Life with two kids is hectic and caotic. I didn't think it would be a walk in the park; just never quit imagined it would be like this.
So I may be a little hard on myself. Any minute now I feel like I'm going to have a visit from the parent police and they'll say that in doing this all wrong. No, yogurt and granola is not a suitable breakfast for a toddler. No! Don't let him wear rain boots to school if it's not raining. No! Don't let him "watch" his little brother whole you run out and turn the heater on in the car.
Sue me Parent Police! I'm trying my best!
Frankie has been a huge help, and I tell him that regularly. He helps with the diapers. Relax, relax, he's not changing them (yet!) he just throws them away for me.
The other day he told me something that broke my heart. He says that he's sad that he wasn't the baby anymore. I told him that he would always be my first baby! And that Jacob was my second baby. He is really showing signs of jealousy.
So we talked for a while and I hugged him. He seemed better after that. But I have to remember that Frankie is very sensitive and emotional. I like that we're able to talk things out. That makes me feel good as a mom because I'm establishing that trust and communication at an early stage. I'm intuned with his emotions and he is to. That's huge for a toddler!
I guess that I haven't found my footing yet. I'll get there soon! I know I will! I must! There isn't any other way around it. I'll figure it out. I always do.
As for me, haven't you heard?: the new style is to wear a fancy burp cloth on your shoulder. As well as the wrap, ready to go. It kinda looks like a vest with an x in the front and one in the back.
If you have spit up on your shirt, then you're extra fancy. 
(Yes , those are Christmas gifts in the background)
I've had a lot of time to think. Late nights usually do that to me. I think it's they muses who come down to help me with my creativity/inspiration. Oh yeah, back to my thinking: I've been thinking. During my time off, I really want to take the time and get into the groove of being a mom again. It's certainly different from the first time . Last time I was not working at all. I was basically just a student. I would stay up late studying and when Frankie would wake up is feed and return to my studies. I spent a lot of time with him.
Sadly, I'll have to return to work eventually. When? Don't ask cause I don't know. Truthfully, I don't ever went to go back. I want this mommy life forever. I want to be the soccor
Mom ( minus the van) I want to go to mommy clubs and learn to bake without burning the cookies and making a mess! I want to be the mom that makes costumes and has time to make pillow forts with the kids. I want that life. Even if it means that I have to not shower, or do my hair or even look sexy for my man.
Does he still find me attractive? I don't know. I have spit up on my shirt, and wearing an unflattering nursing bra, and my hair is greasy. And well, my postpartum body is ... As my sister said I have a heffalump and it's very confusal. Why would he want to hang out with me? Am I still fun?
But anyway. Thats the life I want.
Truthfully, my return date is fast approaching and I don't have a sitter for Jacob. And really, I'm not ready to go back yet. There's still so much to be done here. It's causing me much anxiety to think that I'll have to leave my baby in the hands of a stranger. And I don't want to. Leaving Frankie in day care was tough. And it was a very hard transition for him. And he was 2. Now imagine Jacob who's only 7 weeks old! Not gonna happen.
Truthfully, those are the things that run through my mind. If this was a long post then I'm sorry. But this is how I cope.
So you see, it's not always sunshine and rainbows. It's hard work. But totally, totally 100% worth it. When your toddler asks which Hooters girl you are as he watches a commercial, that made me feel a lot better. Because your kids don't see your messy hair and unpolished nails. All they see is YOU! Their mommy. And THAT is what it's all about.
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